The Guy who Left His Mark, Part 1

Ok, I know I haven't posted in a while. My computer disappeared for about 3 weeks, and I had a hard time getting it to come back home. But, now it has returned, as have regular postings!

This story comes from a few years back. It's first in a saga that lasted 4. Long. Years. (Read: 4 hilarious years, the hilarious part being that this guy had no clue what he was doing, and 4 years later, still doesn't.)

There wasn't anything particularly... thrilling.. about this guy. I met him at a frat party (just once I'd like to hear a story where the people met somewhere less obviously doomed for failure). He was in pledging the same frat as my good friend from high school, and the boyfriend of a future roommate. We hit it off pretty much instantly. Wait. Let me rephrase that. We had both had enough to drink that we were both screaming 'FNAR FNAR FNAR' at each other at seemingly compatible levels. After more drinks, we managed a series of grunts and moans that translated roughly to: 'You. Do me.' 'Ok.' So we drunkenly meandered back to the freshmen dorms to see what we could make of our alcohol-fueled horniness.

This is the point in the story when I pause and outline the numerous problems that had surfaced thus far.

1. He said we had to go to my room. Umm, what?? Roommates weren't a factor in this decision as we BOTH HAD THEM... What guy goes back to a girl's room that is not his girlfriend? It's not like I had a pimp one bedroom. But it's cool.. I could have let that one slide...
2. The kid's name. Now, this isn't actually problem, but more of a point of ridicule that I get hounded for every time this story comes up. His last name was a religious denomination. He might as well have been named Jason Episcopalian. Or Mike Jewish. Either would have worked. I would still be getting made fun of. Cool.
3. He was laying it on waaaaayyyyy too thick. I mean, I am all for confidence. A little cockiness is very sexy. But to paraphrase the wise, wise words of one Beyonce, if he talks like this, he gotta back it up. And I must say - it was not too big. It was not too wide. It did, in fact, fit.

So we stumble back to my room to do the deed. After he's promised me nothing short of mind-blowing sex, I was pretty excited. The sloppy making out seemed promising. The way he was devouring my lower face, I thought at least I'd get some good head. But obviously that would be too much to ask.We were doing well with foreplay - I'm sure nothing was more than passable, but drunk me was satisfied. I wanted to move things along, so started work below the belt - I am nothing if not an amazing head giver.

Now I believe in the mantra 'Give to receive.' The douchebag whose semen I had just willingly ingested did not. Fuck my life. Or at least, fuck me. But nope. He didn't. Nothing. Nope. Uh uh. After a night of 'You are gonna have a wild ride tonight' and 'You've never had anything like this before' (really, who the fuck says this shit? Oh yea, the people I have sex with). I was expecting great sex. I didn't even get sex! He said he 'didn't do that.' I'm sorry, did you turn into a Jonas Brother post-head? What college guy gets a girl naked and then doesn't have sex with her? It sounds like a round-about ploy to convert me. So I had to kick his ass out, and finish myself off. I had half a mind to go find one of my hallmates to help me out. But I wasn't that hard up.

The best part of all this? This dude didn't talk to me for 2 YEARS. He would go to ridiculous lengths to avoid me. He would literally just walk away if I tried to join a conversation. It was good to be reminded of the 1st grade while I was in college. Really brought back good memories.

But I do have to say I managed to overcome this barrier for another sexual encounter with this guy 3 years later that involved some questionable bruising. All in the name of:

That will have to wait till Part 2 though.. Till then-

Festive Fornicatin'!