8.09.2009

The Guy with the Request

I thought I would start with one of my own stories.

I was one of those people who came to college with a boyfriend. First high school boyfriend, lost my virginity to him, true love, thought it would last forever... Yeah, well fuck that shit. I was dumped in November of my freshman year. Apparently true love doesn't stretch the 100 miles from New York to Philly. But whatever. I'm over it. So I decided to get over it then by getting some ass (obviously). It was one of the first nights it had snowed in Philly, and so of course I put on my sluttiest heels and went to a frat party with two of my girl friends, drunk and on a mission. I don't recall the early details of the night. I'm gonna assume it involves jungle juice, or some other rank drink that I could only stomach as freshman. (I had a jungle juice relapse senior year... did NOT go well.) And then my sights land on the guy of the night. He was a peripheral friend of one of the girls I was with, which satisfied my 'someone I know has to know you' rule. In retrospect (because I saw this motherfucker every day for the rest of my life), he isn't the hottest guy if his look isn't what you're into... However, I am always DTF a cute, pale Jewish boy, so I was good to go. I went over and started talking to him, and getting my flirt on. I am naturally a very outgoing person, and when I'm drunk, I think I'm the shit. Which is obviously true, because half an hour later, I get the quintessential college-guy-trying-to-get-ass line: 'Wanna get out of here?' I don't get how that works. Ladies, we all know all he wants is to fuck... Yet, something somewhere justifies it, because the gentle way he says it makes you think he wants more (which he doesn't!) At least I didn't get the other line, typical of freshmen Penn boys: 'I have a single in the Quad.' As hot as that is...

So I get back to this dude's room, and we proceed drunkenly through the motions. Nothing out of the ordinary, but nothing particularly special. But then the first bomb - he wanted to do it on his roommate's bed. Although I didn't think it was a big deal at the time, that's fucking nasty. If my roommate had had sex on my bed, I would've fucking killed her. But that's a whole different issue. Anyways, we're doing the dirty, and we're into it... until this guy opens his mouth and says to me: "I need you to grab my ass!" And he didn't stop there. He said to me that he couldn't come unless I grabbed his (bony) ass.

Pause.

Now, I'm all for fetishes. I have plenty. And I'm sure some of them are hella weird. And I don't judge other people with weird ones. Whatever makes you happy. Sure. Get yours any way you can. BUT. If I just met you like 3 hours ago, you need to hold back just a little. Cause that's how girls get scared away. You need to be at least a little comfortable with someone before you let it all out there. At least with me. Especially considering that this was the first person I was having sex with in college. What an introduction, right?

So, of course I obliged, cause I need to get this ninja off, and off of me. And he just continued like nothing's wrong... Despite the look of sheer terror on my face. Which probably explains his next action... Instead of going to bed, or kicking me out, he asked if I was ready to go back to the party. I mean, really? We did not just stop at Wawa (how I miss you) for hoagies and RedBull. My ass walked all the way to the Quad for you, so can I at least get in a nap? No?

But it's alright because I was still drunk, and I needed to tell someone about this motherfucker's ass grabbing nonsense. Which I did. For the next four years. I guess I can't really wonder why he didn't talk to me for a while after that...


Healthy ho-ing!

The Introduction

As a recent college graduate, a lot of my time is spent telling and hearing stories about the stupid and funny things that happened during the past four years. And a lot of those stories involve sex. A LOT. I'm a sexual person, and not ashamed - it's fucking healthy. And I not only enjoy the act itself, I love talking about sex, I love hearing about sex, and now I'm gonna love blogging about sex. My closest friends are the same; I don't think I'd have much to talk about with my closest friends if we couldn't talk about sex. Now here's the thing. I went to Penn. Ivy Leaguers aren't particularly known for their sexual prowess. And that makes for a lot of unfortunate, and unfortunately funny, sexual experiences. And I plan on sharing the best of those with you. Stories of my own, stories of my friends, and stories of friends of friends of friends that were passed along. If you have a funny story that I should include, send it along. Otherwise, sit tight, enjoy the ride, and of course, Happy Humping.